Not Every Day Will Be A Good One
There are times when the world feels a little too much. When the thought of leaving my bed and facing life outside these four walls seems too much to handle.
There are times when self doubt creeps in and the ‘what ifs’ plague my mind. Like an old record stuck on repeat. Nothing seems to quell their tirade of negativity. And like a cliff these stormy tides erode me away until I can’t ignore them anymore.
Sometimes I fear I’m not cleaver enough or brave enough to make something of my life. I’m scared I’m not pretty enough for someone to love. And sometimes I feel that I’m not the right fit for this society. I place high expectations on myself to try and fit in but everything I do is never good enough for them. I always expect more of myself. Yet at the same time there’s a part of me that always believes I will fail.
Its hard living between this paradox. Where half of me fears that I’m not good enough while another side is never satisfied always expecting me to achieve more. It makes everything I do so much harder because if I fail then I’ve proved myself right and even if I don’t fail, deep down it will never feel enough, a hole too deep to fill.
There are times when I think I’m over the pain of my past but then there are other days when it just won’t stay buried. As hard as I try there is nothing strong enough to keep that door closed. Not that I necessarily notice. I tell myself I’m okay and that I’m over it until I feel the burning in my chest and that foul taste on my tongue. And then I relive it all over again.
There are days I’m not strong enough and that’s okay. Because that doesn’t mean I never will be, it doesn’t mean I’ve lost the war. We are all human, no matter how hard we try to deny it. Some days are easier than others and that’s okay too. Because life isn’t about keeping count of the falls, it’s about acknowledging the struggles, taking a deep breath and striving for better times ahead.
Sometimes there will be bad days and that’s okay, because there will be better ones. We just have to look after ourselves and each other in the meantime.
Until next time