I’ll Be Fine In The Morning

The house is quiet and the night is still. It’s nearly midnight while I’m writing this and all I have is a lonesome cursor for company.

I do a lot of thinking at night.

In fact I do a lot of writing at night, whether it’s blogposts or poetry, it’s usually created in the moons shadow. I don’t know if I use it as a distraction or if it’s just when I do my best thinking.

Or maybe it’s my worst. Silence can be just as deafening.

For the past couple of weeks I’ve really struggled to find the right words, in fact I haven’t found any. My tweets have been empty and my posts invisible. I use writing to express how I’m feeling. But the right words have simply failed me. Instead my mind has been plagued by thoughts unspoken.

I don’t know if it’s something about this time of year but for some reason it always reminds me of how fast time is passing. Each year feels quicker than the last. And with each year that passes is another reminder about how little I’ve moved forward. I see how far other people have come but my own life seems to go backwards.

In fact all my life I’ve felt like there’s something wrong. I would see my friends going out and having fun while I would politely decline and make up some excuses. When deep down I was just scared of what could go wrong. And now, making excuses has become second nature. I guess I’ve just become comfortable with being uncomfortable. 

I like to trick myself in to thinking I’m fine. I tell myself I’m just busy and don’t have the time. But the truth is I have no one to see. No one is expecting me. So I distract myself with meaningless chores. I pretend that I’m happy. But deep down I’m lonely.

Sometimes I feel too slow for this life. The people around me are moving on while I’m still here learning how to breathe by myself. I fear the future, is coming far too quickly and I know for certain I won’t be ready. I can barely walk in a world that is running.

Sometimes I just need a break from life, spend some time by myself. But by the time that I’m ready to return, everyone has left. I try to build up the courage but by the time that I’ve scraped a tiny piece together, the moment has passed. And I’m left back in the shadows, re- preparing for a time that will never come. A never ending circle that’s so unforgiving.

There are times when my skin doesn’t feel my own. Some days it’s too small for my inspired mind while other days it swaps my shrinking self esteem. When did I become so comfortable with being uncomfortable?

I know this is just a late night ramble of my overthinking mind. I know I’ll be fine with the morning rise. I just have to keep going. If I keep telling myself that everything will work out, I guess it will come true. But sometimes it’s hard. And you just have to take a minute. Consider this a burden off my chest. A lead weight drained from my veins.

If today is too much, there is always tomorrow.

Until next time
Karlena
Xx

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