Finding My Feet

I know where my feet are, they are at the end of my legs, where they have always been. But this isn’t what bothers me. I know that their purpose is to keep me balanced on this rocky terrain, but that’s not the problem either.

What I can’t quite figure out is their place on this earth. I guess the problem lays with their meaning and the direction they decide to take.

I’ve recently started studying again- a new course, a fresh start, where I can wipe the slate clean. But strangely enough, it doesn’t feel like a new start. I half expected that I would start this new chapter in my life and things would feel differently. That I would have my life sorted, I would be happy and everything would fall in to place. But nothing ever happens like that.

I’m not saying that I’m not happy because I am to certain extent. I just expected to feel different. A new person who’s ambitious, fearless and my life would have meaning. But I’m still stuck in the same body in the same pair of shoes with the same fears and the same worries keeping me up at night.

And I know things don’t happen overnight, you can’t just wave a magic wand and make everything alright. But I can’t help but feel that I’m doing this ‘starting over again’ thing all wrong. I just can’t seem to let the past go.

I’m not the same person I was a year ago or even the year before that. And I know in same ways that’s a good thing. Parts of me have changed in a positive way. Parts of me have stayed the same- the good, the bad and everything in between. But I can’t help but feel that others parts of me I’ve lost forever, caught in an artic breeze. And it’s these parts I so desperately crave, wishing that things had worked out differently.

I wouldn’t call this an identity crisis, or perhaps it is? If I’m being honest, I don’t really know what this is. Maybe that’s my problem I don’t know who I really am. If I was asked to define myself in 10 words, I wouldn’t know where to begin.

Or maybe I need to re-find myself. Like a misplaced necklace that you’ve lost down the back of your bed. Except it’s not that easy and I don’t know where to start looking. Because I don’t even know if I’m lost.

Everyone says time is a great healer. But how much more time do I need to give? I know I need to be patient. And maybe time is exactly what I need to find the person that I lost.

Or perhaps I’m not lost and just finding my feet.

Until next time

Karlena
xx

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