The meaning of a friend is “a person you know well and regard with affection and trust”. Which is very true when I think of you but it’s a shame that the same can’t be said of me. I know I’ve let you down.
You have always been there to support me and I haven’t always been honest with you. There are so many things that I wish I had explained to you. Not through lack of trust, but I guess I’m just a private person who struggles to find the words to form explanations. I wish I could explain to you what my mind is truly thinking, but it’s hard when I can’t even explain it myself.
How do I tell you, the person who I truly care about, the person who I’m supposed to be a friend to, that I can’t make it to your birthday or the reunion we had been planning because secretly I’m too anxious and fearful that I’d rather stay at home? Well that’s not quite true. I wouldn’t rather stay at home, deep down in my heart I know I want to meet you but sometimes my mind will tell me differently. My demons will build a wall of reasons to convince me not to go. I know my fears are irrational but they are real to me and sometimes I can’t get over that.
When I am out in social situations I can be quite quiet. This has nothing to do with you. Sometimes my thoughts take me away to a different place where the words inside my head become all jumbled up. It’s hard to find these words and speak the tangled chains of thoughts. Sometimes I need a moment of quiet to calm my mind and place my feet back on the ground. And every time I return you’re still there, with a face full of joy and yet I have never thanked you for your patience before.
Even when I push you away and lock my door, you always find a way to break through the locks and save me. For that I admire you and it shows how much of a remarkable person you truly are. I need you to know that when I shut you out I don’t want to lose or hurt you. It’s my way of saving you.
I know I should have explained this before. I know you wouldn’t have judged. But it’s hard to explain something that can’t be seen and not even I understand. It doesn’t change who I am, I will always be the same person you have friends with and can have a laugh with. I’m not defined by my weaknesses or flaws which I know you understand (I guess I’m just trying to convince myself).
This is not a criticism of you in any way, I’d hate for you to feel like that. Instead I want you to know how much I appreciate you and thank you for always being there for me. We have been friends for so long, even though time doesn’t make a difference. I think sometimes you know me more than I know myself. I admire the person you and wish that one day I can be the friend to you, as you are to me. We have written a book full of memories and happy times. I hope that we always remain friends, but if we lose touch (through no fault of our own) I am a better person for knowing you. I want you to know how much you mean to me and how much you have imprinted on my soul.
Here’s to the next chapter of our story.
Your forever grateful friend
If friend, you feel the same please know that you’re not alone. I’m always here for you. Take comfort in my words and healing and I will try to help you through it. Please know that I am always here for you.
Until next time