Let It Be

I feel the darkness 
Beating in my chest
In unison with my breath 
Invading my heart 
An unwelcome guest 
Ciphering my life
Into something unknown

I feel the darkness 
Laced in my veins 
A poison circulating
In the roots 
Pulsating inside me 
Infecting every branch 
Of my thoughts
Leaving me bare and broken 

I feel the darkness
Entangled in my soul
A voice I no longer know
Screaming profanities 
At the shadow in the mirror
I can’t do anything right
Paranoid and paralysed 
By vines that only tighten 

But what if I feel the darkness 
And just let it be 
Instead of fighting 
And burning in its heat 
I take a deep breath 
And hold myself tight
Until this feeling passes me

What if I feel the darkness 
And become immune 
To its poisonous traits 
Use the fear and pain 
And transform it in to beauty 
Grow self-love 
From understanding 

What if a feel the darkness 
And welcome it in to my home 
Offer it some kindness 
Treat it like a friend 
And show it the world 
Beyond it’s pained perspective 

What if I live with the darkness 
As an equal to my happiness
For the future can’t exist 
Without the past 
And the light can’t exist 
Without the nights darkness 

There would have been a time when my mind would have scrutinised every detail, obsessed over unanswerable questions and blamed myself for things out my control. 

And it’s so hard to not let that take control again. 

But I’m trying. 

Instead of fighting the loud, anxious thoughts I’m trying to let them be. Instead of feeding the soul-destroying thoughts my self-esteem I trying to let them be. 

I don’t mean that I’m giving up or allowing them to wreak havoc. I’m just acknowledging them, giving them some space to breath and calm down. It just makes it that little bit easier to set them free to pass by me. 

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t always get it right.  There are still times when it’s all too easy to fall in to familiar habits. And surrender to the ever-convincing thoughts trapped in the walls of my mind. There are times when I fear everyone is out to get to me.  An unbearable feeling that I can’t cope in  world which moves far too quickly. There are times I can’t leave the past where it is meant to be. Instead I drag it around like an anchor bound to my ankle. And there are times when I feel so lonely. Consumed by loves lost and friendships fading. And all I see in the future is a reflection of my current hollowed out frame, barren and broken. 

But I don’t want to live a life like that. Nobody does and nor do they deserve to. I have seen a glimmer of the light and I know better times are out there to be found. I’ve felt the warmth wrapped around me and I don’t want to let it go of that feeling. I’ve dared to dream a future full of hope.

And for the first time in ages I feel content. Genuinely content. 

Maybe I’m turning a corner, maybe I’m on my way up. 

Until next time 

Karlena 

xx