A Fear of Failure
No one wants to fail. No one wants to work hard towards something for it to collapse in front of their eyes. And I know failure is not about the amount of times you fall down. But every time I pick myself up my heart has sunk that little bit lower and my limbs feel that little bit heavier.
There are times where I’ve been so scared of failure that I think it’s best to give up before it’s even begun. A way of controlling my own destiny. Because I don’t know if I can face another failure, another aspect of my life to be disappointed about. The thought of failure poisons my mind, turning my head against my heart. To the point where I believe that I will never succeed and honestly feel that giving up is better than my inevitable downfall.
When I struggle to visualise the road head or the eventual outcome then this fear is near impossible to escape. At times it feels like this fear knows me better than I know myself. It knows that it won’t work out so stops me before I try.
When I left uni my mental health was at the lowest it’s ever been. A part of felt as though I would never be able to succeed, that I would never be able to make something of my life. This fear thought it would be best to leave. But even after I left, I felt like a failure for giving up. I was ashamed that I had let people down so I pretend that I didn’t enjoy the course but deep down I know this wasn’t the reason.
There were times in school where I opted out of ‘participating’ fearing it would end badly. Maybe this is the way society has shaped me- that it’s best not to try than face rejection. Maybe it’s just anxiety or perhaps a mix of both.
I find it difficult to celebrate my successes. Yet the failures seem to linger, questioning what I could had done differently. Wondering where it all went wrong.
I don’t want to be ruled by this feeling. I want to believe that I can achieve anything that I put my mind to. But can’t seem to shake this fear of failure.
I’m trying not to let it control me, not anymore. I tell myself that these downfalls are not failures but lessons on my journey. I’m trying to live in the here and now by not planning too far ahead. I’m trying to feel proud of how far I’ve come and not dwell on past mistakes. I
want to am going to follow my heart, regardless of how many times I stumble.
I just hope this new way of thinking will reap positive rewards.
Until next time