Finding My Voice

Growing up I was always the shy girl. The one who would sit at the back of class and never spoke a word. Don’t get me wrong, I had friends. But when it came to expressing myself, I was scared. Too afraid to share my opinions or answer questions in class.

Every day I felt as though there was this faceless, nameless voice that would tell me that I was wrong- even if I was certain I wasn’t. Constantly telling me that no one would be interested in what I have to say.

And when you here the same words playing on a loop, telling you that your voice doesn’t matter, you start to believe it.

You start to believe that you are wasting people’s time by opening your mouth. You start to believe that you are better off silent. Why would anyone be interested in what I have to say?

So I shut everybody out. When I was asked questions in class I told them I didn’t know- until they stopped asking me. Whenever I was asked if I was alright, I would tell them I was fine- even if I wasn’t. Whenever I was asked out with my friends I would turn them away because why would they want to spend time with me? And when you shut people out for so long, the more difficult it becomes to open up and let people in.

But I’m trying.

I find socialising difficult, especially on social media (and to a certain extent this blog) because there’s a part of that girl inside that still believes that my words aren’t worth writing. Believing that no one cares what I have to say.

But I’m fighting.

I’m still finding my voice that I buried deep inside all that time ago. I still find it difficult to talk to people, especially about how I’m feeling. I still have that voice that tells me I’d be better off quietly watching the world from the shadows.

But slowly I’m realising that it is wrong. I have my own voice inside of me and I need to learn that it’s okay to let it be heard. It’s okay to let people in and show them I’m vulnerable. And this place is helping me realise this, which I am incredibly grateful for. If you told me a year ago that I would be writing my own blog, I wouldn’t believe you. Which is progress, I guess.

I hope that one day I will find my voice and when I eventually do, I hope I use it to help other people.

Until next time

Karlena
xx

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