I know we are no strangers to each other but yet we have never spoken. There are so many things I wish to say to you and questions you have never answered. But I hope you take the time to read this so that we can both move on.
But first I think you need to know the truth about what you really mean to me. You are the deep rooted fears entwined in my thoughts that make me think twice about everything I say and do. Like the black clouds in the sky that threatens rain. You try to undermine what my heart is truly thinking, until I’m left questioning what I believe in. You’re the sinister voices in the back of my mind that try to drown out all the positivity and joy. The voices that make me feel worthless and alone.
Why do you make me doubt everything I say and do? Why do you make me think the worst? What have I done to upset you? Sometimes, at the most random times, you make me remember things that I’ve said and done years ago and you’ll keep playing it over and over in my mind, like a song on a loop. Especially at night, when you make me lay awake with you. You make me read too much in to situations, people’s expressions and future events. You tell me that people don’t like me and are upset with me when they look at me funny or don’t reply back to my texts. But we both know this isn’t true. You have made me feel like I’m a burden to others, to the point where I just want to hide away with all my broken pieces. I don’t think you understand how challenging it can be living with you, when you make me fear scenarios that I know deep down are irrational.
The thing is, we both know you will do anything to try to control me. You don’t just try to manipulate my thoughts, you physically hurt me. Did you think that I didn’t know that the headaches, racing heart, shaking and nausea was all down to you? I must admit that it took me a while to figure it out. But even now, when I know it is you, I still let you affect me. I still listen to the words you speak. I think deep down, I’m scared to be without you. I don’t know a life without you, you have been with me for as long as I can remember.
But I want to prove you wrong. That you don’t define who I am even though you try to control me. I know sometimes I let you. I can’t recall the amount of times you have stopped me from doing things all because you have worked my mind in to a state of panic and fear that I can’t bring myself back from. A fear that has stopped me from socialising and doing things I know I really want to do.
Even after all this time I find facing up to you difficult. Sometimes I don’t feel strong enough to acknowledge to myself the struggles I face. I’m not writing this for your sympathy but for understanding. Understanding that I am not alone, there are other people like me that you have taken hostage. I know you will always be a part of me but I don’t want you to control me anymore. I want to get to a point in my life where we can live in harmony. It’s okay to ask for help if I am struggling, I know this isn’t easy but we have lived like this for far too long. It will be an uphill battle but I believe that we can work together. We can get through this.
Until next time
Your long acquainted friend
For me, and I’m sure many others, this is a really difficult topic to talk about. It’s something that I have never really spoken about before but something that I wanted to share in our little space. If we as a society are going to combat the stigma of mental health we need to understand it from the sufferers’ perspective. As a community we just have to stay strong and hold each other up when our anxieties try to drown us. I honestly believe by reaching out we can help each other overcome the hurdles life throws at us. Just remember you are never alone and you will get through this.